Kitten's thoughts

2009-07-03

Blog address: http://kmbkitten.livejournal.com/

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2009-07-03

Goodbye Cruel World!

Wed, 26 Sep 2007 07:17:24 -0700

okay, just had to make this seem more dramatic than it actually is. I'm thinking about getting rid of my LJ. not that anyone really reads this since I haven't updated in like 6 months. But I don't really see the point in having facebook, myspace and lj. Plus I'm not really the same person anymore. so why should I link myself to all these previous posts and ramblings. I always used to think that I'd want to go back and look at it one day, remember all these silly rants and whatnot. but every time I do look back I'm always annoyed with what I had to say...anyway. so I think within the next couple of days I'll be getting rid of this. Myspace may follow, I haven't decided yet.

If you want to find me on facebook, look for me under my full name, not just Katie cause you won't find me.

Toodles

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I need help!

Sat, 12 May 2007 09:53:51 -0700

okay, so...I've got this incomplete in my Art in Public Spaces class and I need help with it. It's mail art, but what I need is for people to send me something. So here's what I'm asking. If you are willing to help, let me know, I'll message you with my address. Then all you need to do is find a post card/notecard/mailable type thing (hey, if you want to paint something, I can tell you canvas goes through the mail! I've done it so if you want to do something like that, let me know and I'll explain how I did it.) once you've found that, answer my question "What are you afraid of?" draw write...whatever. drop it in the mail ASAP so I can turn it in. It sounds really bogus I know but please please please help me! They want 10 and since its about a month late it would be awesome if I could turn in all ten or even more. I know we're all really busy these days, and some people are still in finals, but just take a couple of seconds to doodle/write something and drop it in the mail. again, message/comment here if you have any questions or want to help me out so that I can give you my address.

Thank you!

>^_^

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Suzie, this is for you

Sat, 07 Apr 2007 08:50:57 -0700

Not sure if Suzie reads this but if she does I know she'll get a kick out of it. Thank you Lucas for sharing. it made me giggle.

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note to self:

Sat, 17 Mar 2007 23:13:08 -0700

Driving 300 miles alone in a day is not good when you're depressed. especially the half when it was dark. At least on the way down to Iowa I had the mildly thrilling experience of a rather creepy asian boy stalking me 75% of the way, even when I made a rest stop. *sigh* but yes, even after hanging out with a fairly large group of people today I would have to say that this was the most lonely holiday I have suffered yet. not much of a holiday for me I guess since I don't drink, nor am I Irish.

I've got that emotionally dead feeling thing going on again, yay that's fun. oh bad week. why did I have to make that cruel realization about yesterday, that really isn't helping. blah, I smell like smoke, it's in my hair. ick, as much as I love cole, I really don't think I'll be doing that again. *sigh* I need sleep

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< emo >

Thu, 15 Mar 2007 15:17:43 -0700

and I feel like shit

</ emo>

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toxic love!

Mon, 26 Feb 2007 14:45:22 -0800

okay, got the pictures up on myspace...http://www.myspace.com/kmbkitten
go look! tell me what you think/if you want one, read my blog for more info! time to work! *dances*

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*burp*

Mon, 26 Feb 2007 09:47:51 -0800

I couldn't think of anything to write for the subject...then I burped...so there it is! I'm tired and I want to go back to bed! but that's okay, plenty of work for me to do today. whee! I hung in bed for about and hour and a half before I decided to get up and sit here for a while...hey, at least I'm up...

work was very very boring yesterday...no one was there and if anyone even thought about stealing they would have been incredibly stupid. either that or they were really good cause I didn't see anyone...I just stared at the camera screens for 6 hours of my shift before I told my coworker I was going crazy so I went for a walk...didn't help much. just chatted with coworkers on the floor. still feel really awkward around them. of course I've never really felt comfortable around them. I always get that feeling that when I turn my back they're either laughing at me or glaring at me. whatever.

after work I wasn't sure if I should hang out with Tim like was planned or go home and work on shit. I honestly didn't feel like I'd be great company since I've felt rather down lately. But I'm glad I went. I feel a bit better now. still a lot going on in my head that I don't know how to describe to him or anyone for that matter but now I at least know he's willing to listen when I do manage to sort it out.

my cat is scolding me for not coming home until after 1...he's worse than parents. he just sits here in front of the computer as I type angrily meowing at me. either that or he wants food...probably both. he actually gets really upset if I'm not home by a certain time. oh I love my cat.

going to work on my "toxic love" project for Art in Public Spaces today. I think I'll manage to get the lettering down, once that's done I'll post pics to lj and myspace. if anyone is interested in owning a shirt/hoodie/pants with the logo/text on I would be happy to do it for them for a small supply and labor fee...lol, just like $10 or something. the design is pretty darn cool I think. I'll describe the concept after I post the pictures, I don't want to give it away too much.

okay, time for food then project then work...yay for closing by myself again! hopefully the dumbasses don't trip the fucking alarm again...*sigh* *dances* (I love this song...vnv nation rocks my socks off...so does tim, but that's a little different...) Is it sad that I just saw him last night but I want to see him again? He makes me smile and I need that so badly these days.

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an update for this side of my blog world

Thu, 22 Feb 2007 22:47:02 -0800

hello, I forgot to update this site with the latest drama. oh well. I'm not going to really get into it since it was stupid and just proved further that Travis is an idiot and I'm better off without him. He basically just rubbed it in that I was replaced by someone who was like me only better...and told me that I'm a horrible person for everything etc. He also made fun of the fact that I'm with Tim, calling him "a bipolar cynic who cares about himself more than you." that's basically the gist of what happened, all of this while I was at work mind you...he has such wonderful timing, always did...

so yeah, *sigh* I <3 drama...no not really. I've got so much crap going on in my life now its getting really annoying.

I have to say, going from a relationship where most of our conversations were based off of the phrase, "what are you thinking", to one where asking that question, even rarely, feels awkward is strange. but I think I'll end up liking it more. I remember how freakishly annoying Travis got with asking that, sometimes I enjoy keeping my thoughts to myself and other times I'm just not thinking anything! I stopped asking it all that much in the end since I felt it was annoying. This only annoyed Travis more...*sigh* just can't win. Tim is very different and reading him is a lot more difficult. I always did like a good challenge!

well...time for homework. I've got an awesome idea for my Art in Public Spaces t-shirt project so I'm gonna work on that for a bit! I should do some reading too...*sigh* so much to do, so little time.

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good news!

Wed, 21 Feb 2007 08:35:33 -0800

yes, great wonderful glorious news! I've been accepted into MCAD. I got the letter when I got home around 3ish this morning...I was so worried since I don't really think I did all that great on the application essays, my hands were shaking when I opened the letter. but I'm in. and that makes me happy. no more normandale for katie after this semester. a new chapter in my life is about to begin. woot...this is so sweet.

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sushi

Mon, 19 Feb 2007 13:09:14 -0800

I need to go out and get sushi sometime. is there anyone out there who actually likes sushi that would be interested in joining me?

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happy

Mon, 19 Feb 2007 09:11:23 -0800

have you ever had one of those dreams that was so realistic you thought you could just reach out and touch it? well this one reached out and touched me...and it was lovely. I woke up very tired though...

Edit: I thought I was done writing but I'm not. I have so much to say but I can't. I've built my walls up higher than I thought I could, yet I can feel it start to crumble. I just wish I knew where this was going. So much craziness for me and I just want someone to make me laugh again. remind me that not all boys suck, that hope isn't lost and that maybe one day someone will be able to see through my masks I have to put on everyday. I'm not asking for love right now, I don't trust the word enough. It's still poisoned in my mind. I just want someone to rebuild the word for me, step by step until I can understand what it should mean. I've been far too good at throwing that word around in the past. Perhaps I just need someone who knows the emotion without trying to put it into words. Don't say you love me, just do it. The one who really loves you isn't the one who needs to hear you say it all of the time. I'm confused, tired and I think I ruined a perfectly good happy post with depressing emo thoughts...*shrug*

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another one

Sun, 18 Feb 2007 10:45:22 -0800

I've decided something else too...I need to spin fire again, I don't really care that its still somewhat cold out...I need to. I've got monkey fists to test out and dear god they will be glorious! we're just going to forget the fact that they were a gift from Travis...I wonder what he will do with the staff I got him...*shrug* oh well. but yes, anyone interested in fire gathering of fun sometime soon? my current selection of fire hardware includes, poi, monkey fists and fans. still working on affording more but this is a slightly expensive hobby. I think I know what my next set will be though...

http://www.homeofpoi.com/shop/productDetails/210_53_Fire_snakes

mmm, fire snakes...oh so pretty! and only $60 not that bad!

see what I mean?



yes, I do think that will be my next set...

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*ponders*

Sun, 18 Feb 2007 10:32:51 -0800

I have decided something...I need to go to another concert soon. anyone know of anything interesting coming up in the area?

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*giggles*

Sat, 17 Feb 2007 21:44:56 -0800

so today was rather good. had some excitement at work, many close calls but nothing terribly productive. Text convo that made me giggle a lot, hence the subject. hung out with tim for a bit after work and that proved to be highly entertaining and more giggling was had. hmmm, other than that not much to report...I should really work on my zine.

oh! of course I think of something else to report just as I'm about to stop writing. I got an email from andrew today. yeah, the andrew that hated my guts, the one I dated etc. he wants to try and be friends again. I'm choosing to tread carefully with this one since he is who I got my wicked sense of revenge from. I haven't been on friendly terms with him for about two years and my attempts to be friends with him in the past have been met with arrogant hostility. Not sure if he's planning something or if he's serious about trying a friendship. I'm going with the serious bit, we'll see where that gets me, but I'm going to somewhat trust him. again, we shall see...

okay...homework?

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Untitled

Fri, 16 Feb 2007 23:40:39 -0800

so my aplication for MCAD is all done and turned in. Now I'm nervous. If I don't get accepted I'm stuck at Normandale for another year. Really the only thing I like about that place is the people I hang out with at the shit tree. I want to get into MCAD and get my plans for the future in motion. right now I just feel stuck.

I should draw something...it's late but *shrug* I need to work on art more anyway...

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almost forgot!

Fri, 16 Feb 2007 13:21:58 -0800

fortune cookie of the yesterday: "Be confident, you are full of wit and energy (in bed)."

oh little fortune cookie...you have no idea

slightly interesting timing when I got that one. since it was when I was quiet and dead tired.

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and! sleep...

Thu, 15 Feb 2007 22:32:11 -0800

dear god I'm tired...nearly falling asleep in an evening class is not fun...especially when you sit in the front...oh well...I don't really know why I stayed up until 2am last night...I was just being sad I guess...so apparently by that logic I can't be sad and sleep...okay, so not true. rambling again...

today was overall a rather good and uneventful day, god knows I need some of those every once in a while. Didn't get nearly as much work as I was planning on getting done done...but that's okay...I'll be going in tomorrow morning anyway.

today was spent trying not to fall asleep in class, attempting to read the chapters I didn't read for Health and half-assedly working on my zine project...I also managed to get food with Tim and Brice somewhere in there. That was probably the best part of my day. I'm rather sad that I'm never really able to actually contribute to the conversation but with those two it is somewhat difficult. I'll think of something to say about what one of them said but before I manage to even open my mouth the other manages to respond...I need to work on my assertiveness. That and I was horribly tired. I swear, one or both of them must think I'm a complete dolt! eh, tired...

still having problems focusing, mind tends to wonder towards more entertaining things that I can't have right now. I'll be blunt...because I'm tired and I don't care...I miss sex. I've been horny as hell for the past two weeks and I'm starting to think that its simply because now I'm not in a relationship and so something I took for granted is now gone. therefore I want it more...oh silly me.

Boys...boys...oh boys. Well I've got my coworker trying to hook me up with her friend who seems not at all interested in just being friends. I just got out of a relationship and I really don't want to jump into another one, especially since I don't even know the guy...I'm trying the novel idea of actually having a relationship that has a pretty solid base of friendship first...this is novel to me unfortunately... and of the two guys I like and would actually be interested in, one is all the way in fucking Iraq and probably just wants to be friends, while the other in all likelihood thinks I'm an idiot. Either way, I'm not going to make the first move this time...I'm sick of always being the one to propose some kind of date like thing. fuck, if a guy likes me he's just gonna have to prove he's got the balls to tell me. (something tells me I'm going to be single for a long...long time...)

Gah! that's what I have to say about all of this...gah! indeed...

yeah...time for bed

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I'll eat your bleeding heart

Sun, 11 Feb 2007 10:29:45 -0800

yes, that dreaded day is almost upon us. and I'm single for it. even when I was with someone I hated this "holiday". But I'm still going to celebrate it, just for a different reason. Wednesday I'm gonna see Hannibal Rising at 10:35 at Southdale AMC. All my single friends are invited to join me, but either way I'm going. I get out of Belly dancing at 8:20 so if anyone would like to join me we could go out and get something to eat before the movie. It shall be a grand old time and we shall celebrate our singledom together. I'm hoping to get a nice group of people to go out that night so please please please let me know if you are interested.

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To anyone who cares

Sat, 10 Feb 2007 21:14:29 -0800

I'm closing those walls again. I thought about reaching out but everyone I thought about reaching out to says those words that I've heard so many times before and everyone else who has said them has lied. "I'm here for you" The thought is good, but it doesn't happen. I need to find someone who isn't just waiting for their turn to talk. Someone who can listen and hold me if that's what I need.

I hate feeling this lonely.

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oh, it gets better (very long rant)

Sat, 10 Feb 2007 21:09:51 -0800

I have to say, I had my doubts that it could get any better. but boy was I wrong! It so got better this morning. by better I of course mean worse but that's okay.

I woke up dead tired and at some point around 9ish I get a text from travis and the fun ensues...I'm just going to type everything word for word because there is no way I could discribe it well enough...

Travis: How was the movie?

Me: Didn't actually end up seeing it. My car died and we had to tow is so we just watched Hannibal at Brice's house. Didn't get home until 3 so I'm tired.

Travis: Ah, ok. Thanks =)

Me: Thanks for what?

Travis: Nothing

Me: No, what?

Travis: Nothing

Me:...Fine, whatever, you're welcome

Me: Tell me...

Travis: No

At some point here I called twice and left a voicemail thinking we could try and be more adult about this. wrong again!

Me: What? What's wrong with you?

Travis: Thank you

Me: I don't know who you are anymore. I don't know what's gotten into you. What's worse is that I don't know why I wasted a year of my life putting up with this shit.

Travis: Hey! That's the same question I was asking myself when you started ignoring me for weeks on end! Funny how that works! Its always someone else's fault when one doesn't look in the mirror

Travis: I was saying thank you for giving me a reason to get over and forget you. Believe it or not, I still loved you. Not anymore, and I am grateful for that.

Me: I never ignored you and you know it. I don't understand where this came from, but okay. I think its funny how alike you and andrew are proving you be. Oh well

Travis: Maybe it wasn't andrew and I, maybe it was you... Goodbye Katie, have fun with that life you want so desperately.

Me: What are you talking about? Good god, nothing happened last night! I don't understand you! I watch a movie with a few friends an you say these horrible things.

Travis: I was talking about in general. When it was good, it was good. When it was bad, I wanted to run away, just so I could feel better about myself and not hate myself so much. You did that to me, that is why I said 'bad girlfriend'.

Me: I hope those words mak you feel better about yourself. You can say I was a bad girlfriend all you want, but you and I both know its not true. Good luck

Travis: I wouldn't say something if I didn't believe it. Same to you. Good luck with life.

...okay...so...where to start with this little number... okay, my hypothesis for what spawned this childish show of spite! that's a good way to start. I think because I dared to have a social life and stay out late with *gasp* two guys he draws the conclusion that I fucked one or both of them. This wouldn't be the first time he's done that. But it will be the last. I really can't think of anything else I did that sparked this. the strange thing is though...we aren't together anymore, so why the fuck does he have to make it sound like we were? And what is this life that I so desperately want? To be happy, successful and maybe find someone who actually loves me? That's what I thought I wanted. I guess I'm wrong, maybe he thinks I'm that cheating whore who likes to fuck many guys at once. ha, makes me laugh.

At anyrate, I'm angry, I'm hurt and the first thing I want to do when the ice thaws is go to a lake and chuck that damn ring and necklace into it. in fact I'm making it a point to. Those things are so worthless and only represent those hollow words he used to say with such conviction. Now those words are poison and probably will be for a while.

I had changed my mind about completing the purging process before this. but I don't want a remnant of him in my life anymore. Yes, I want to forget him. I know I won't but I don't want constant reminders of him. anyone have a fire pit I can sacrifice his shit to when it gets a little warmer? I hate being so emotional, I know everything I'm saying is stupid and childish. But it feels good. I want to scream.

The other part I found so funny was the me making him hate himself...how the fuck did I manage that? I fed him compliments, I bent over backwards to help him when he needed me, I made time for him when I could, but I made him hate himself. It was all my fault. Blame me, good. whatever makes you feel better, right? I hope you hate yourself because you are quite dispicable.

maybe its the meds he's taking that caused the 180, that's why I've always hated pills.

oh, and point of clearification, when I said good luck. I didn't mean in life, I couldn't care less if he succeeds in life at all. I ment finding a girlfriend who would put up with as much shit as I did. If you do, I feel sorry for her and she's more of a doormat than I am.

*breathe* *sigh*

I've lost a lot of hope for men. The next guy I'm with is going to have a rough time. I'm building my walls up again and yet I want someone to stop me so desperately. Fuck, its for my own good though. okay, I'm done, I don't feel better, but I'm done.

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no good very bad day, but I sure did giggle a lot.

Sat, 10 Feb 2007 10:40:17 -0800

so I guess it wasn't all that bad...meh

found out at school that someone stole my image text project. bastards, I hope security finds them so I can kick their asses...Its not a huge deal since I can just print off another one, but I just feel really violated now. this is the first time I've had work stolen. maybe I should see it as a compliment that someone liked my work enough to take it. but I'm still pissed...

went to work, craziness ensued and more things made me angry.

made plans to see Hannibal Rising with Tim and Brice after work and was really looking forward to it. then when I got to my car...it died. well it turned on fine but it kept stalling and the lights were flickering, maybe my car was possessed. I grabbed my phone knowing it was also on the brink of death and called tim to quickly inform him of what was wrong and where I was. after passing me twice he finally found me, very cold. Called home and called Brice using tim's cell phone and after Brice took a look at my angry car we went to Ruby tuesdays to get food and sort out what to do next. ultimately we called AAA and they towed me to Honda, only cost me $6 so that made me happy. Then tim and I remet up with Brice and we went to Brice's place to watch Hannibal. Twas good indeed. Didn't get home until well after 3 I think, but that's okay. I needed the social time and those two make me giggle. Especially Tim's lack of ability to tickle me and Brice's severe tickilishness.

Overall my entire day could be called rather sucky. but for some reason I'm in rather high spirits still. I can tell that I'm running myself rather thin, this is what happens I guess. oh well. Some crazy defense mechanism I suppose. *sigh* oh I'm tired...today is going to be interesting... I need a fucking hug so bad, like a good one, something about being held that just makes shit like this melt away.

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cheers to failure!

Sun, 22 Oct 2006 21:32:58 -0700

The Undertaker- Puscifer
www.puscifer.com (go here to hear the song so you get the right idea of what the song actually feels like)

Thank You for making me
feel like I'm guilty
Making it easy to murder your sweet memory

You were way out of line,
went and turned it all around on me again
How can I not smell your lie
Through the smoke and arrogance.

But now I know
So you will not get away with it again
I'm distant in those hollow eyes
For I have reached my end. So...

Thank You for making me
feel like I'm guilty
Making it easy to murder your sweet memory

Before I go tell me
Were you ever who you claimed yourself to be

Either way i must say goodbye.
You're dead to me. So I...

Thank You for making me
feel like I'm guilty
Making it easy to murder your sweet memory

I'm severing the heart then I'm leaving your corpse behind
Not dead but soon to be, though.
I won't be the one who killed you
I'll just leave that up to you

I'm not gonna be here to revive you
I'm not gonna be here to revive you
I'm not gonna be here to revive you
I'm gonna be the one to say...

I told you so (X8)
I told you

Severing the heart then I'm leaving you corpse behind
Not dead but soon to be and
I'm gonna be the one to say I told you so

song I rediscovered today, it helped me come to the following conclusion I'm about to share with you.

This all probably sounds cheesy or stupid, I don't care, I need to say it. I need to share it. If I could I'd scream it to the world that I'm done with failure. I'm done falling short of my potential because I don't feel like I can cut it...the truth is I'm better than who I've convinced myself I am. So this is me thanking everything that brought me to this, mainly the failure in itself that has shown me for that which I don't want to be. Thank you failed relationships that brought me to the beautiful one that I'm in now and for opening my eyes to what I don't want in a man. Thank you to the teachers who failed to teach me, you let me struggle and end up learning more than if you did your job. Thank you to my parents who failed to raise me, after raising myself I'm able to see you for who you are and to know that I'm not you and never will be. Thank you to failed jobs, the shit jobs no one should have to do but ultimately taught me how to deal with people and what it was like on the other side of the check out counter. Thank you to failed friendships, teaching me what it was like to be left for the in crowd so that I worked hard to never do that to anyone else. Most importantly, thank you to my own individual failures, where I failed to help others, failed to live up to my word, where I failed my creativity, my potential, myself. It is the worst feeling in the world to fail others and yourself. but I know what it's like and now I know to avoid it.

I think it's important to recognize failure not as the bad ending of a problem but as the beginning of a solution. It only ends when you quit. I was about ready to quit about a year ago, to give up on men after seeing the absolute worst of them in the form of a creature not worthy to be called man, who deserves only the term rapist. I was about to give up on my dreams of being an artist until I discovered that I have talent, it just takes me trying a little harder than I have to uncover it. I nearly gave up on my mother until I realized that she can't help it when she hurts us with her selfishness, she doesn't try to hurt us. I was about to give up on myself. but I have so many reasons not to now. I have love, talent, intelligence and the will to accomplish my dreams. I guess its not so much that I didn't have these things before but I've discovered them within myself.

So once again, thank you to failure, you made me who I am today...and I'm better than you.

lol, wow, that was intense. I feel better now. I hope it amused someone. my ramblings are so rarely thoughtful, this one might actually mean something to someone. if it did let me know. it feels good to make a difference in someones life. how is everyone? I don't update this much so I doubt many people read it, that's okay. I honestly won't update this very often, maybe only when I have something meaningful like this to say. I've got better things to do. if you want to know more about what's going on in my life...call me! most of you have my number. I've lost touch with everyone. I've failed as a friend and I want to try again with you all. I need friends in my life now more than ever. Thank you for listening and putting up with me. you all deserve a pat on the back

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I can now die happy

Sun, 17 Sep 2006 10:25:27 -0700

I saw Tool in concert last night. Dear God! words can't discribe how wonderful it was for me! but I'm going to try...

Travis and I got to the target center around 7, the crowd was pretty big but not horrible. Basically everyone was wearing black, everyone looked alike. We found that amusing. The doors opened and we all followed directions like a herd of cattle to the slaughter. Guards were yelling, "just follow everyone" and I found it really amusing for some reason. Hundreds of anti conformists, conforming right before us. Travis and I conversed about how conformity was vital for survival and such. we got frisked at the next check point and were told no crowd surfing or moshing, not that it mattered to us as we weren't in the pit, thank god. The excitement was really building for me at that point as I had been waiting for this concert for years now. we got in line to get our shirts, which reminds me I really need to wash it so I can wear it to my night shift at work tonight...brb...
...
...
...
...
*poof*
...
Okay then back to my long drawn out recap with commentary of last night...
After getting out shirts we were herded up another set of stairs to the main lower level section. as we try to get our barrings I see a familiar half finished tattoo and run over to it despiratly trying to remember the name of the women it belongs to. Heather was standing in line for beer with someone with really cool contacts and also couldn't remember my name for a bit. it was amusing. we chatted and were invited to cool contact dude's after party. If it haddn't been for the high chance of them getting high and very drunk I would have loved to go to an after party. but its not my thing. so we declined and heather left us to go pee. we moved on searching for our section which was basically right in front of us. had some difficulty reading the ticket and finding our seats but I figured it out and we were happy to see that we had pretty decent seats. very far away from the stage but we could see everything. People watching was highly amusing, especially when some very drunk woman yelled at one of her friends from the pit to the lower level and she basically got everyone on our side to cheer at her. Isis was the openning band and to be honest I didn't like them. their instrumentals were pretty good but you could only hear the drums and the keyboard. when the guy screamed it was ugly and annoying. we were happy when they were done.

While they did they stage change we sought out some water and chatted about the openning band. Found our seats again and got to know the guy next to us who was planning on following the band to chicago where he had pit tickets. He asked us if we had weed and then if we even smoked both of which were negative of course. I think he mummbled something about wanting to quit but I'm not sure.

When Tool got on the stage, everyone in the stadium stood and cheered. I had to put my ear plugs in or I wouldn't have my hearing this morning. the crowd was so loud. Maynard Greeted us as "almost Canada" and started the concert. They played basically all of my favorites and the ones I was hoping they would. Half way through Wings for Marie they put on a massive light show that caught me way off guard. It was incredible, they used fog machines and the lasers magnefied the effect, creating neon green clouds overhead as Wings for Marie and 10,000 days thundered on. The light show continued for the rest of the concert. The stage was basically a huge floor to wall television display that showed music videos and other random images to go along with the music. Everything just kept getting bigger and better with each song. Just before Lateralus there was a long pause where the band members sat on the stage and just looked at the crowd. Everyone in the stadium who had one pulled out their lighter and the stands looked like the night sky on fire. For some reason, seeing that was really powerful and beautiful to me. For Lateralus, a huge light display emerged behind the stage. The crowd at this point was electric (and very very VERY high) so it was fun seeing the people around us react to all the visual stimulation. After their last song, Aenima, the crowd basically blew the roof off the place it was so loud. we ducked out pretty quick to avoid the mad rush for the doors and we got out just in time. It was great finally being able to breath, as the smoke to air ratio was practically 80/20. I assumed that what I was feeling was a minor high from all the weed in the air and decided once again that I'm glad I'm not a stoner. Travis and I both had headaches and my legs were really tingly from all the standing and swaying. Getting back to Travis' wasn't too difficult since we were right in the area where I used to take book art classes.

I know this was really long, and probably boring. but it wasn't for you guys, but I thought I'd share it with you if you cared to read. I just want to remember all of it. Thanks for reading. toodles!

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help needed

Fri, 08 Sep 2006 11:01:48 -0700

I'm looking for someone who's good with a video camera and editing to help me make a video of me spinning fire for a speech I'll be giving sometime relatively soon. I've got music I would like to have in the vid. it would be about 2 minutes long I'm guessing. If anyone is interested in helping me out, please let me know!

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Fiddle and the Drum

Fri, 08 Sep 2006 10:37:11 -0700

"Fiddle And The Drum"- APC

And so once again,
My dear Johnny, my dear friend,
And so once again you are fighting us all,
And when I ask you why,
You raise your sticks and cry, and I fall,
Oh, my friend,
How did you come?,
To trade the fiddle for the drum,
You say I have turned,
Like the enemies you've earned,
But I can remember,
All the good things you are,
And so I ask you please,
Can I help you find the peace and the star?,
Oh, my friend,
What time is this?,
To trade the handshake for the fist

And so once again,
Oh, America my friend,
And so once again,
You are fighting us all,
And when we ask you why,
You raise your sticks and cry and we fall,
Oh, my friend,
How did you come,
To trade the fiddle for the drum

You say we have turned,
Like the enemies you've earned,
But we can remember,
All the good things you are,
And so we ask you please,
Can we help you find the peace and the star?,
Oh my friend,
We have all come,
To fear the beating of your drum


So I said my final goodbyes to Bryce last night. He's in the National Guard and is going to Iraq soon. It was so hard, we hugged like ten times before I left. I can't wait til he gets back and shares all his stories with us. I feel odd saying this but he's like a brother to me even though we just started really getting to know eachother about a week or two ago. I'm not too worried about him, I mean, I'm worried but I know he'll be okay. of all the people that I know, he's the one to handle this the best. He's not just going there to "kill shit", he's really going there to find himself and grow as an individual. he love helping people and he's wanted to do this since he was 9. Last night we talked about just how scary it was that its finally happening, how short life is and how you really just have to do your best to live life to the fullest. He's a good man and I look forward to his return.

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night on the town

Thu, 31 Aug 2006 15:36:12 -0700

Last night I hung out with Bryce, Ryan and Andrew. This social time is something I really needed. Travis is great but not when he's really the only person I've seen in god knows how long. WHen I got there, they were watching cartoons, we sat there until our brains couldn't handle the mind numbing stupidity of the cartoons that are out these days and we decided to get some food. We went to some steak house, got a bite to eat and joked about slamming steaks and saving starving children by eating all our food, (because when you waste food, god kills a starving child apparently). afterwhich we went back to their place and watched die another day. Andrew left at some point to go partying and I spun fire. didn't kill myself, that's a plus, although their lawn tried to trip me a lot. Ryan, Bryce and I chatted about life during and after High school and that was pretty awesome. Bryce and I got a sudden burst of energy and wanted to go for a walk outside. we went to the nearby Cub to get doughnuts and continued on our way through st paul, people watching and discussing things that have been bothering us or just reflecting on our lives thus far. Bryce is leaving for Iraq in about a week so I've been trying to catch up with him a lot and see him a bit before he leaves. We walked and talked for a good 3 or 4 hours before I decided it was time to go home and get sleep. I got home around 3am and had to wake up at 7:30 am. I fell right to sleep, it was great.

I wake up to a text from Travis at 7am asking if I made it home okay. Apparently a text he sent me got lost on its way to me and I was supposed to text him when I got home. so he stayed up until 4am worrying that I cheated on him or died in some freak accident. We had a text arguement for a few minutes about how I felt like I should be able to hang out with my friends without having to text him every few minutes/hours and that he should trust me with said friends and that I won't cheat on him. Things escalated and I accused him of being a little controlling and that I didn't appreciate it. He said I was being unfair, knowing that what I was doing (hanging out with my guy friends) was hurting him and still doing it anyway. I told him at the beginning of our relationship that I get along better with guys and that I generally have more guy friends than girl friends. From what I could tell he accepted this fact and it didn't bother him. apparently it actually did. He was cheated on by one of his x's and now he's paranoid about being cheated on again. I can understand this, but what I can't understand is why, after all we've been through together, he can't trust me. I have proven to him, time and time again that I am different from those girls. I tell him I have just as much invested in this relationship as he does, that I've been hurt, I've been raped, I know what pain is in relationships and I know bad things can happen when you open yourself up to people. but apparently because I've never been cheated on I don't know what he's going through. He sounds like my mom in this case. My dad cheated on my mom, now she can't get over that fact and she dwells on it every fucking day of her life. I delt with it with my mom long enough and decided that if she wants to dwell on that past, that's her choice and I'm not going to let it hurt me like it used to. but this is direct, this was a near accusation that I cheated on him. He reminded me that I am his world, I'm his only friend, he does everything for me etc. the thing is, I want him to have friends, I don't want to be the sun he revolves around. He is an individual and should go out without me when he wishes. just like I should be able to go out without him when I want to. Even if he hung out with a girl he used to like or even dated, I wouldn't care. I trust the fact that he loves me and ultimately chose me over anyone else. I can't devote every waking thought to him. I have goals, a job, school, friends (although few) and me time that I need to stay sane (or insane, however you look at it) I never asked him to sacrifice anything like that for me, if he did so he did it by choice.

So I don't know what to think. Is he controlling, is my anger well founded or am I in the wrong? For all the great qualities he has, this is not something (if it were to continue) that I could handle in a relationship. I need my space, my independance, my friends. This scares me because I can see us working so well together in the long run, if it weren't for this huge fact. I need to figure out if this fact is big enough for me to rethink our future situation. This isn't the first time he's felt this way. Any time I've hung out with a guy friend we end up getting in this fight. I don't know what to do.

*sigh*

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school again school again

Fri, 25 Aug 2006 08:53:55 -0700

I started classes last tuesday. Back to the mostly scheduled days of school work and homework. I kinda missed it really. I love learning I've always just had problems applying myself. This semester I love all of my classes, (haven't started fencing yet but that's going to kick ass) so hopefully I'll be better at keeping up on my homework.

I've been really noticing a lack of friends lately. I suppose I did it to myself, its generally what one gets for being a loner and working all the time. So I'm hoping to make new friends this semester to fill that gap I've been feeling. Travis has become pretty much my only friend and while I love him to death I really do need other people in my life. girls to go shopping with and vent about general frustrations, other guys to play video games with and such. I almost miss high school cause back then I at least was a little better at maintaining friendships. Now I just suck. but with my home situation where I can't stay out late most nights or deb gets fucking pissed and a job that pays shit so to make up for it I have to work a million hours and school starting before everyone else I've got enough going. now add to that a boyfriend who when I said I made a new friend he admitted he got a little jealous. (he and I are going to discuss this today) I'm going crazy without friends. when I'm not working, I'm in school, when I'm not in school or working I'm with Travis.

He doesn't have friends or hobbies (I've been trying to help him with both) so he gets really bored. Video games don't really hold his attention like they used to they just take up free time. and I have school and work now so I can't be with him nearly as much as I used to be. Now I'm realizing that i need me time to recharge and this hurts him.

We attempted to talk about this before my painting class last night and it really wasn't a good time so we didn't get anything sorted out and I feel rather shitty. supposedly we're talking about it today before gaming night at bryce andrew ryan and ian's house. but that's just going to make the evening awkward for us. He hates the fact that I'm trying to maintain a friendship with andrew after how badly our breakup went, he dislikes pretty much every guy friend of mine I've introduced him to and then makes it sound like I'm a bad person for keeping some of them around as friends. If I complain about something a friend does he tells me I don't need them in my life and lately I've been pushing friends out of my life left and right. I tell him I don't change for other's, I change for myself and yet I'm now seeing all these ways I've changed for him. He's become my world where my world used to have friends, random ddr parties, movie nights, gaming nights and generally more people. now its population two...

whoever's reading this should keep in mind that this is me venting about the bad things so it makes him sound like a horrible person. he's not, he's done more for me then anyone has before. and the fact that I don't blog about the good things he does makes this sound very one sided. I'm venting here because I have no one else to vent to besides him and I can't really vent to him about him. *sigh*

I'm making attempts to hang out with people, gaming night tonight, breakfast with matt sunday but of course both of these things are going to piss him off because they involve two of my ex's.

so I guess I'm going to end this with a question.

am I a bad person for trying to maintain friendships with ex's? he seems to think so.

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ctrl+alt+delete

Thu, 06 Jul 2006 10:30:56 -0700

last night after watching Pirates 1 with Travis and me falling asleep for the last half, he informed me that while I sleep, I talk, twitch and kind of snore. when I asked him what I said in my sleep he said he'd use it as blackmail later, but I got it out of him. turned out to be something about chris, so apparently my subconscious was thinking about him last night. I haven't even talked to him in months so I don't know why. but at any rate it got us talking about how I have a hard time letting go of things and people, even if they hurt me or i hurt them. I have a problem with being forgotten so I hate forgetting people. after what felt like many attacks from Travis, which I know they weren't really attacks, they just felt like it because it was all true and sometimes the truth hurts, I realized that I need to let go of the people in my past who hurt me in order to properly heal myself. It'll be difficult but I'm working on it. I'm too nice to people, I forgive too easily and I give my trust far too freely. I need to be a bitch sometimes, stand up for myself, tell people when they hurt me and get them out of my life. *sigh* I don't know. its all strange.

on another note, I'm probably going to move out soon, just have to get a student loan that I could live off of for a bit until I got a good job then I'll probably be moving in with Travis. He's not exactly on good terms with his parents now and they might be threatening to kick him out so we're kinda scrambling to sort out what we could do. I'm dead broke with a shit paying job, so I'm looking for another job. this is going to be interesting no doubt. but oh well, life is still pretty good.

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in need of advice!

Thu, 29 Jun 2006 06:51:54 -0700

okay, so I hate life at Marshall Fields, as I've already stated. There is absolutely nothing I like about that job besides the occasional fun customer that makes my day when they compliment my necklaces, or they tell me how much they appreciate my work, or the really cute kids that are dragged there by their mother's (very rare that one...I dislike 98.56134% of the children we get in there)((besides...who the fuck takes their kid shopping with them??? I mean geez! get a fucking baby sitter, you obviously have the money if you're shopping at MF))

now to the point. after a long and very helpful conversation with Laura (Travis' mom) she got me thinking about applying at restaurants to start waitressing. never really thought too much on it, besides when kelly mentioned it at work one day and I saw how well andrew was doing with it. Laura told me to apply at Perkins or such equivalent suckiness, put up with it for 6 months to get some good training in the waiting field and move on to bigger and better restaurants. that way I can skip the hostessing thing (hopefully) altogether and focus on getting tips. Live of the tips, save the actual paycheck. She advised me to take advantage of my "amazing" looks (she thinks I'm cute, travis agrees, I'm modest) and be slightly flirty and get nice tips from people. I'm thinking this sounds like a good idea and thought I would ask you people, whoever reads this, what you think of waiting vs. retail, how long it took you to get the hang of it, other good places to start, waiting tips, etc. anything you say I appreciate, I just NEED to get out of retail...now...like as in a month ago now...

Thankies

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*poke*

Wed, 28 Jun 2006 08:12:17 -0700

hey, yeah, sorry I don't post much here anymore...actually I'm not too sorry. Its generally because I have too much else going on. work, travis...that's about it right now. I just can't get enough of that man. If I didn't truely believe in soulmates before, he has me convinced they exist now. we just fit. I like it. I love it. an update with the rest of my life, I don't think I'll be at MF much longer. I'm sick of that hell hole. everyday I go into work I get angry and drained. I have two interviews today after I get off work. one at US bank and another at Primerica. I'm really hoping I get something soon. Retail sucks the life right out of you. cleaning up after 40 year old women who can't do something so simple as hanging a shirt right side out and hang it on the rack we provide them. it makes me angry to walk into a fitting room and see a pile of clothes. I hate looking at clothes...I want to burn them all...*sigh* I dunno, I just need out of there.

How is everyone else doing...who actually reads this? I suppose I don't really write anymore so I'm guessing now many people. but common, post and tell me how you're doing if you read this, I'm really curious as I haven't really seen people in a long time. I miss most of you.

and holy crap, Michael Buble can sing! I got one of his albums from iTunes cause travis requested that I sing Home to him when I know it. so I just bought the whole album. I'm not generally a fan of this type of music but this calms me. I need to get into love songs more...I'm too edgey and not receptive to romantic words or actions. Travis is so amazingly romantic and he says all these wonderful things and I never know what to say. when I try and say something like that it just sounds like a cheesey chick flick rip off. *sigh* dunno, what I do know is that I love that boy. I just can't vocalize it as well as I'd like.

the past year or so has been very interesting. I've been through a lot...too much and not enough at the same time. I'm not on the right track yet, I feel derailed. He's helping me find my way but its hard to see sometimes. like the tracks are overgrown with brambles. I need to just light them on fire and clear the way.

I wanna go home, he feels like home


Home- Michael Buble

Another summer day
Is come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
Mmmmmmmm

Maybe surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh I miss you, you know

And I?ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
?I?m fine baby, how are you??
Well I would send them but I know that it?s just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Another aerorplane
Another sunny place
I?m lucky I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I?ve got to go home

Let me go home
I?m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I?m living someone else?s life
It?s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
But this was not your dream
But you always believe in me

Another winter day has come
And gone away
And even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I?m surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel alone
Oh, let go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go home
I?ve had my run
Baby, I?m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all right
I?ll be home tonight
I?m coming back home

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picture!

Mon, 05 Jun 2006 20:07:39 -0700

go to this linky to see my new hair color. tell me what you think!

http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/index.c<wbr />fm?fuseaction=viewImage&friendID=14966150&imageID=801570756&MyToken=721994a5-4703-48a2-ba9a-f3024bdf<wbr />2584

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just a quickie

Fri, 02 Jun 2006 19:08:37 -0700

hey y'all, just posting a quick update to inform you that my hair is redish brownish violet...its purdy and I like it...that is all...pictures still to come...stay tuned

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dreamland

Wed, 24 May 2006 11:09:23 -0700

my dreams have been really messed up lately. its strange that I've been having dreams that I remember in the first place. usually I wake up rather peacefully but this morning and yesterday morning I had rather disturbing dreams between when I first woke up around 6am and when I actually got up round 9. I don't know why but they were both slightly violent or involving a lot of gore. yesterday's involved an ex and his old habits returning and there was nothing I could do to help him. and this morning's was a crazy mix of night games being played in the marshall fields juniors department after close, afterwhich I went for a walk outside to get my purse and my clock out card where I run into some random guy who starts shooting at people nearby. then he picks me as his next target but I jump and dive away with cheesy action movie moves. when we get to a stand still, Travis and a friend come to help me, but then all of my friends from high school seem to be helping the bad guy. It's weird and I've interpretted it to some extent but at the same time I know its just a dream. meh, don't know, just thought I'd rant a little cause I don't really do that anymore. lol well, I should probably get something productive done today...

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my night of fighting demons and drunks

Fri, 21 Apr 2006 08:33:15 -0700

(this was posted on myspace, yesterday about wednesday, just got around to posting it here...enjoy...its rather long)

Yesterday was rather interesting...yeah, I'd have to say that was an understatement...school was normalish, but after that it gets interesting

work: typical wednesday night, fairly slow, sloppy customers to keep me busy cleaning. Then this girl with her pants in the fashion of guys these days, boxers showing under rolled down sweatpants, and a hat that says "Von Bitch", walks up to me and asks to put a load of clothes down so she didn't have to carry it around while she shopped. I say sure, thinking she'll be done soon...15 minutes later she adds to the pile, and again and again...finally I get to the point where I'm frustrated cause its getting in my way and it looks like shit. So I ask her if she'll be done soon because her stuff is getting in our way. (yes, i'm aware that you never say that kind of thing to a customer...but I can only take so much) The look on her face was in the manner of "how dare you address me like that!" and said her sister was almost done shopping. I get a call from LP asking me what their story was and I explained to them what I knew. They warned me to check her ID in case of Credit Fraud. The girls finally finish up and walk up to my counter, the other girl I was working with and I already determined that I'd ring them up...I didn't want to trust her with it, to be honest. I start to ring them up and have the other girl de-sensor tag them and fold them while I scan things she hands to me. One of the shirts had a tag that looked like it had been photocopied and package taped over a real Kenzie tag. of course the first thing that crossed my mind was that someone had tampered with it and I couldn't sell this item to them, so I asked the Von Bitch to see if she could find another shirt like it. She replied with, "Isn't that you're job?" I bite my tongue before I make some kind of remark that I'm not her slave and run off to see if I can find it. I'm aware that in customer service you should never ask a customer to do work like that...cause walking is so difficult. but it slipped and I thought it would make things go a little faster. so I won't be doing that again, but damn she didn't have to say that. I finish ringing them up and the total comes to $1620...I go into my schpeel of asking if she wants a fields card and she says she'll try to apply, but then she says that she forgot her credit card in her car and she doesn't have ID...so much for that...she starts to pull out cash...not knowing what to do in this turn of events, I run to another register to call LP and ask them what to do. They of course had been watching all of this and exclaim, "Cash is good! Let her do it!". and I finish the transaction, bag it and bid them good day. I don't think I've seen so many $100 bills in my life... That was entirely too traumatic for a wednesday...*sigh* oh well. got off work and headed home.

Home: travis drove to my house to help me with something, gets there and gets into my car. we take care of my errand and get back to my house. Since I had to face someone I didn't ever want to see again, and the fucked up day at work, I broke down and silently cried while he held me. It's hard to strong so much with all the demons that I face. With him I really feel like I can let go and cry if I need to. and I needed to. fortunately I had tissues to clean my face off cause that was a pretty good cry for me. It felt like a huge release, cause I wasn't sobbing or anything, the tears where just streaming quietly. got that out and we just started talking about anything and everything, bike traumas, young exploration, relationships, children. we both got really relaxed and just comfortable chatting about random stuff. Suddenly behind us I hear a muffled crash. I open my door and jump out just as someone is backing his truck out of the rear end of Travis parked car. I start running to see if the guy is okay which he says he was fine. The car on the other hand...well, its not in working condition...that's for sure...the frame is mangled, tail light plastic is everywhere and part of the cars bumper is still stuck on the trucks front. I run inside to call the cops but they get there before I can even pick up the phone. They're getting all the information and whatnot, I grab Travis a coat cause it was rather cold last night and I take Photos of the damage to both cars. The guy had to have been going at least 40 in a 30 zone but the "funny" thing is that he was drunk AND text messaging. so he got taken away of course. After we backed up the car to get it out of a driveway I drove Travis home. I finally get home at about 1:45 and call Travis to tell him I made it home okay. get to sleep around 2:15 and get woken up by a very curious Debbie at 6:30.

This morning the neighbor accross the street whose house this happened in front of came over and we discussed what happened, she was the one who called the cops. Really nice lady.

I hope everything gets sorted out and I'm fucking glad I didn't have Travis leave just then like I was going to. I'm so glad he's okay. After it all happened I just kept wrapping my arms around him, I went into super protective mode. it was crazy. blah, he's going to get another big hug when I see him at school.

so yeah, demons and drunks. let this be a reminder to my friends who drink...don't drink and drive, don't even text and drive. cause you'll end up fucking up someone elses life somehow.

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I really want these...

Sat, 18 Mar 2006 11:55:57 -0800

http://video.google.com/videoplay?d<wbr />ocid=1718945810265547069&q=fire+fans

This chick is flippin amazing with the fans! *drool* I want both of her pairs. One is collapsable and the other one is rigged with propane so that she can release more fuel to make it spurt out more fire at will...yeah, I know it sounds crazy...and just a titch dangerous...but I love it!!! watch the vid and you'll see what I mean! whee! so yeah...I'm not crazy...not at all...LIES!!! *Poof*

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chocolate makes everything better

Wed, 15 Mar 2006 00:57:49 -0800

that and fire...fire makes me happy even when life is really super shity. I did a lot of thinking tonight while my father and I texted each other. I've decided that from now on I can't acknowledge him as my father because, besides fucking my mom, he hasn't done anything for me. He's been there for me when it ment he got credit for my upbringing. I haven't seen him in god knows how long. He takes fucking forever to get me his taxes so now its too later for me to fill out the app for normandale scholarships. so many other ways he's managed to ruin my life. but mainly for just not being in it. He's more of a father to his illegitimate children than he is to me. not saying that he should love me more because I'm legit but you'd still think he'd try to help me with financial aid or maybe try to be less of a dick. and yeah, I partially blame him for what happened to me last week cause my esteem and idea of men is terribly screwed up. but you know what? ooy gooy fudge brownies made with friends at a Jane Austine chick flicky night makes things a little more tolerable. The friends make it so much easier to realize that what happened to me was not my fault, that I'm still strong and I can prevent it from happening to me again.

But like a phoenix I can smolder in my ashes for a while but I have to pick myself up and be reborn from my ashes. Spinning fire tonight made me realize that. I love the fire and I think it loves me, cause while the chains tangled and wrapped around my arms and wrist when I was spinning, I didn't get burnt. I wasn't even scared. Partially because I've become numb to bodily pain and some emotions. it was exciting though. I'm not afraid of getting burnt, when I finally do I'm sure it'll hurt, but I'm not afraid. Fire is just my element and I feel comfortable with it. its the chaos, the warmth, the beauty, the grace, the unpredictability, the uncontrollable nature, the intensity, the power. It really is my element. spinning tonight was truly empowering and I'm glad I was able to share it with my friends. while only one of them knows what's going on in my life right now and can understand what that strength means to me, I'm really glad that the others could see it for what it is at its core. Here are some pics from tonight, enjoy!































so yeah, I'm hoping things get better. I'm probably going to spin the next couple of nights caue I get my fans back tomorrow, they're all fixed and better! yay! and josh still hasn't seen me spin!!! whee! hmm, that means I need to buy more kerosene...*sigh* but yeah, life is interesting.

And kristi, thank you for everything, I love you so much!

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month from hell

Mon, 13 Mar 2006 16:53:37 -0800

yeah, that about sums up this month for those who aren't on myspace and don't read the blogs there...essentially in the past 3 weeks I've been in a car accident (i'm okay though so its all good), got really really sick (finally getting better), realized my life was going to hell in a hand basket, broke up with chris because of this realization in the hopes of picking the rest of the pieces up because if I can't balance my life, how can I balance someone elses life with mine? my cat had kidney failure (although with treatment he's getting much much better! >^_^<) then something else that I can't really talk about here because its just that bad yet deserves to be mentioned as long as I'm talking about my shitty month. I've been waiting for things to calm down but that just hasn't happend yet and I'm not exactly sure when they will...but I'm strong and I'll make it...always do. there I go thinking I'm invinsible again...damn it...I really need to stop that, its already proven to get me in trouble once this week. over all I'm handling all this very well I think, partially because of numbed emotions, but its getting better. meh, okay, I'm gonna go work on drawing or something and then hang out with aaron if he's still up to it. Toodles

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yeah...I know...I'm bored

Wed, 08 Mar 2006 10:57:44 -0800

http://video.google.com/videoplay?d<wbr />ocid=-5681682275335461822&q=porn

kristi...sam...and anyone who has heard of ave Q or played World of Warcraft will love this vid!

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I'll never look at pikachu the same again...

Tue, 07 Mar 2006 16:14:25 -0800

http://video.google.com/videoplay?d<wbr />ocid=-6831128887580488038&q=mindless+self+indulgence

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homemade bread is my crack...

Tue, 07 Mar 2006 16:05:35 -0800

I don't know why I used that for my subject...maybe just because I was eating homemade bread at the time...but meh. I'm really tired, don't especially want to work. but I need the money and in all reality I love working cause it takes my mind off things and problems, and gives me something productive to do with my time. I shouldn't stay up until 2 or 3 again tonight...blah...grrr, sleep...

on a side note...I'm sick of customers yelling at me for being skinny...good god, first off its not like I try to be skinny...I try to be healthy...secondly, in today's society where its considered "beauty" to have your rib cage and your hip bones showing I'm happy with my slight curves and over all healthy body. screw society...It just gets so annoying when you get mixed messages from people. on one side you have media telling you to be as skinny as possible and on the other you have random people, in my case, total strangers and close family, telling me to eat more. I don't really care about what either say and I'll continue to do what I'm doing because hey, its my body and I love it. its just kinda fun to point shit like this out.

I'm sure work will be interesting tonight as always. Don't get a half hour break so I don't have to worry about forgetting to take it! lol, *sigh*

saw chris today and chatted at plan B for a couple of hours. heard him out and worked on sorting things out in my head. yeah, I know I didn't talk much, partly because of how tired I was/am and partly because I just didn't know what to say. The fact is that I just don't know what I want or need right now. all I know is that there are other parts in my life that I need to get back together so I can be happier with myself before I can let someone else into that part of my life. I've really messed up on the whole idea of balance. I've let my friends slip out, my homework and classes slide, my family down, my art has been on hold and my future pushed aside for something that I'm just not ready for right now. I feel horrible about letting him down a second time, but like I kinda said, I need to love myself before I can fully love another. Besides, I'm 19, I've been in about 5 relationships most of which ended very badly, what do I know about what I need as a partner in life? The other fact is...I'm 19...I have my whole life ahead of me and I can make that what I want it to be if I just get in gear, and I've been sitting in Neutral in so many aspects of my life and I need to get moving before I get left behind and forgotten.

sorry...that was a rant...oops...that's what I get when I'm tired...but yeah, for the most part, life is good now and things will get better, I know they will.

<3 to all

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on another note...

Fri, 03 Mar 2006 23:17:14 -0800

I really need to get my fire toys out again...maybe that's my problem...not enough fire in my diet...ergg....no I don't want to start fire eating...or breathing...just dancing... so who's interested in getting together one of these nights and watching?

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I'm talented...

Fri, 03 Mar 2006 23:13:20 -0800

I'm glad I'm good at something...although its most unfortunate that what I'm good at is getting people to hate me...co workers, lovers, now ex's sisters...fuck me...how do I do it...its funny, because she hates me for doing something that I did because I care about her. That's life I suppose...maybe I should have kept out of it...but at the same time I wouldn't have been able to forgive myself if I just let it happen. and her mom came to me for answers. fucking shit fuck...I don't know what to do. I only just finally got her to like me again...I'm a fuck up sometimes...damn it, I've just had a really bad couple of weeks...I'm sorry, I'm going emo...shit, I should stop. and kristi's helping me feel better so I'm going to stop...

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everyone's doing it...10 things...

Mon, 27 Feb 2006 12:27:36 -0800

1. well...most people know my stupid human tricks...but I'm going to list them anyway in case you didn't...I can purr like a cat

2. my arms are messed up so they can rotate like crazy...try getting me in an arm lock...

3. I have bad knees so I can't run well and I can't go from squatting to standing without pushing myself up with my arms and they hurt like hell randomly.

4. when I get bored I tend to cause drama.

5. I'm deathly afraid of making life changing choices, but who isn't?

6. when I'm alone and bored/avoiding homework I'll act out something that could happen in my life so that if it ever does actually happen, I may handle it better.

7. when people get on my bad side, I'll go out of my way to make life hell for them.

8. I miss people and things that I should probably just forget about and let go of.

9. as much as I hated high school, I miss it's predictability and simplicity.

10. I'm afraid of being forgotten and left behind while eveyone else has a grand ol' time.

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anyone interested?

Tue, 21 Feb 2006 10:10:57 -0800

http://www.10klf.com/index_main.php<wbr />

get a group together and have a grand ol time?

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the good the bad and the ugly

Thu, 16 Feb 2006 10:42:25 -0800

yeah...tell me what you think...tehe

http://kevan.org/johari?name=kmbkitten<wbr />

http://kevan.org/nohari?name=kmbkitten<wbr />

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update? what?

Tue, 07 Feb 2006 08:19:56 -0800

yeah, I'm updating this thing finally...why? because I can...

well, most interesting thing that has happened recently was the road trip to wisconsin to see alex in his play. which was awesome. I'm so proud of him! and I liked his hair cut...tehe. It was nice taking the weekend off and spending time with kristi amanda sam alex marissa nick and chris. I got some good sketching in and that was fun. spun some poin in the hotel maybe amanda will be kind enough to send me the pics? I need to spin fire again...I miss it...its too cold out though.

I decided that next time I see jay, I'm putting my two weeks in...I can't work two jobs anymore...I have too many other things I need to do and my grades are starting to slack. I asked him for a $1.00 raise and he said I have a 10% chance of getting it...I'm only asking for as much as I get at MF because I think its reasonable to ask for something that I can easily get somewhere else. If I'm worth anything to the theater...I should be worth at least that...meh, up to them...Its time for me to move on from that place anyway I can feel it.

I'm working on applying to MCAD and I'm hoping I'll be able to get in for fall semester but I need to get off my ass and finish the damn app and do a portfolio interview thing...I should schedule one now...hmmmmmmmmm...*sigh*

okay, well now I have things I should get to...I hope you all enjoyed my loverly update...meh...*dances off*

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ganked from chris

Tue, 07 Feb 2006 07:56:55 -0800

stole this from chris, thought it sounded like fun

"Heres an Idea I had. Something I just thought up and posted. Not original by any means... but good none the less. The instructions are simple. Write down 10 things your afraid of and then post it. And then inform people that they should feel free to do the same."

10 things I fear

-first and foremost...I'm afraid of becoming my mother, who can single handedly bring anyone down with her in her pit of self loathing, pity and poverty.

-I'm afraid of becoming my father who has a way of weaving lies that involve so many innocent people but still manages to make himself look good...I can see through it though

-I'm afraid of being alone

-I'm afraid of not being understood

-I'm afraid of becoming so simple, that I am understood

-I'm afraid of failing, I procrastinate so much I can see that happen easily

-I'm afraid of becoming dependant again

-I'm afraid of loosing the strong women in my life, especially my grandma, aunt debbie, and kristi.

-I'm afraid of what will happen if my mom commits suicide

-wow, at 10 already... I'm afraid of not being creative enough, good enough or strong enough to do what I dream of doing.

that was fun...copy it people and pass it on!

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pretty asian boys doing pretty ninja tricks, what could be better?

Sat, 28 Jan 2006 13:36:39 -0800

pretty asian ninja boys break dancing...that's what.
word yo
http://video.google.com/videoplay?d<wbr />ocid=-8947518926298275439&q=ninja+training

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Untitled

Thu, 19 Jan 2006 09:30:40 -0800

The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to the First Level of Hell - Limbo!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very High
Level 2 (Lustful)	Moderate
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Low
Level 7 (Violent)	High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Moderate

Take the Dante's Divine Comedy Inferno Test

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pics of fire fans

Sat, 07 Jan 2006 22:01:15 -0800

Here are some pictures of my fire fans the first time I lit them! tehe, they're so pretty!

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FIRE!!!

Wed, 28 Dec 2005 09:21:00 -0800

so as some of you know...I started spinning fire recently...here are some pics you might






















so yeah, haven't killed myself or singed my hair yet...almost did last night though...that was fun...whee! This is going to be the death of me, but damn its fun!

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this vid is insane...

Mon, 19 Dec 2005 11:43:08 -0800

http://media.putfile.com/WizardsofWinte<wbr />r-SM

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Untitled

Mon, 19 Dec 2005 11:37:16 -0800

The magician You scored 88 change, 74 wellbeing, 73 wisdom, and 59 truth

The magician represents the conscious mind. With focus on an idea or goal, the conscious mind sets into action these ideas and brings them forth to the material world. The magicians hands are stretched forth, one to the sky holding a wand, and the other pointing to the ground below. This is suggestive that as is "as above, so below". The table in front of him has all the tools to make this possible. The wand, cup, sword, and pentacle, which are representative of all the suits to the tarot cards. The mage has an undergarment of pure white, showing his pure wisdom and is held shut by the serpent around his waist. The outer garment is red, symbolic of desire and passion, which has no belt holding it shut so it can be removed if necessary. The flowers in the garden represent things as well. The red roses are symbolic of desires, and the white lilies represent pure thought, untainted by desire. This card is under the vibration of the number 1. some extra words: taking action doing what needs to be done realizing your potential making what's possible real practicing what you preach carrying out plans producing magical results using your talents acting consciously knowing what you are doing and why acknowledging your motivations understanding your intentions examining the known situation concentrating having singleness of purpose being totally committed applying the force of your will feeling centered setting aside distractions focusing on a goal experiencing power making a strong impact having vitality creating miracles becoming energized feeling vigorous being creative

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 99% on change You scored higher than 84% on wellbeing You scored higher than 76% on wisdom You scored higher than 49% on truth

Link: The What tarot card resembles you Test written by KamikazeParrot on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

me or not me? that is the question...

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Untitled

Tue, 06 Dec 2005 21:42:08 -0800

just rediscovered this song on my computer, it makes me happy. so bittersweet

You know I have this feeling you're not like the other ones, don't ask me why
I want to take you in my arms and hold you till it passes as you cry
Don't really know what's good for you but all that I can do is truly try
But at the end of promises and moments, there is always goodbye
There is always goodbye

And every night I dream of you, I hold your hand in mine
An underlying need to fill the emptiness inside
And if you were here with me now, I'd stop the hands of time
This night would last forever and we'd never say goodbye
Goodbye

Enough of solitude tonight
This time is ours and
The light has burned away from the skies
From the skies

We are not who we used to be
This time is ours, we are free
But I see goodbye in your eyes
Goodbye in your eyes

In your eyes

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blah

Wed, 30 Nov 2005 06:37:46 -0800

damn you myspace for being down when I need you!

blah, I feel rather shitty and alone again. it sucks big time. blah, I don't know. this is going to remain a very ambiguous entry because I don't know what is going on in my head and I don't want to try and get it out right now...just won't work...meh.

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good song

Mon, 28 Nov 2005 23:14:22 -0800

Heard this at work today, it made me smile

Train- calling all angels

I need a sign to let me know you're here
All of these lines are being crossed over the atmosphere
I need to know that things are gonna look up
Cause I feel us drowning in a sea spilled from a cup
When there is no place safe and no safe place to put my head
When you can feel the world shake from the words that I said

And I'm calling all angels
And I'm calling all you angels

And I won't give up if you don't give up
I won't give up if you don't give up
I won't give up if you don't give up
I won't give up if you don't give up

I need a sign to let me know you're here
Cause my tv set just keeps it all from being clear
I want a reason for the way things have to be
I need a hand to help build up some kind of hope inside of me

And I'm calling all angels
And I'm calling all you angels

When children have to play inside so they don't disappear
While private eyes solve marriage lies cause we dont talk for years
And football teams are kissing queens and losing sight of having dreams
In a world where all we want is only what we want untill it's ours

And I'm calling all angels
And I'm calling all you angels
And I'm calling all angels
(I won't give up if you don't give up)
And I'm calling all you angels
(I won't give up if you don't give up)
Calling all you angels
(I won't give up if you don't give up)
Calling all you angels
(I won't give up if you don't give up)
Calling all you angels

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ganked from aaron

Fri, 18 Nov 2005 12:29:41 -0800

What Will Be Your Overly Melodramatic Death? by Celaeno
Name:
Gender:
Are you beautiful?
Your death:	Unappreciated, at the hands of the person who never realized how much you loved them. Dammit!
Your parting words:	"I... never wanted another..."
Quiz created with MemeGen!

so I don't know what's going on in my head anymore. it really kinda sucks major ass... It could be because I'm freakin tired still or I could be tired because I cried myself to sleep last night and that never results in restful sleep, at least not in my experience. It kinda felt good to cry again, but at the same time...not really.
Had a breakdown in japanese today too when I tried to take the oral exam that I missed on monday...that was interesting...too much stress in my life right now. blah! sensei understood I think and told me not to worry about it. He's a really good person, probably my favorite teacher here right now.
I get to work at Fields tonight, I think that'll be fun. I just wish I was a little more rested. I really do like it there, its just so tempting with all those really cool clothes. *drool* I need a new outfit, maybe it'll make me feel better...or maybe not...but new clothes are always fun.
yeah, I don't really know what to say about my life right now. It's still pretty good I suppose, just a little bumpy right now. I'll live.

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Untitled

Fri, 18 Nov 2005 00:39:00 -0800

I took that leap, stumbled, and now I'm falling

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Untitled

Tue, 08 Nov 2005 23:57:21 -0800

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	7.2
Mind:	7
Body:	7.3
Spirit:	7.5
Friends/Family:	4.7
Love:	7.7
Finance:	5.5
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

so apparently my life is pretty good according to this thing

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