how do you feel?

2008-09-07

Blog address: http://courtneyc-izme.livejournal.com/

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2008-09-07

i am so ready to go home

Tue, 01 Jan 2008 17:05:56 -0800

i enjoy my parents company and all, but brevard is so depressing these days. the few people i've kept in contact, whom i thought were worthwhile and might someday get out of here, are proving me wrong. another one is pregnant, by a guy who won't stay with her. am i supposed to be happy for them? how do people expect me to react? if you're fucking 20 years old, and have no stability in your own life then you choose to bring another life into this world, thats supposed to be good news? i work everyday in a broken family, and i'm attempting to give my boss's son some damn stability. i bet if a few of these people saw what i deal with everyday, they might think more carefully about who they have kids with. i guess i'm just mad. at people who won't recognize their fucking potential, at people who are wasting their lives, at the fact that i give a damn and most of all at the fact that i can't go home yet. to my life; or at least where my life makes sense, where i'm not afraid to talk about how well i'm doing for fear of making others feel inferior. back to people who have goals, and to real relationships, not these pseudo friendships that are more familiarity than anything else. i wish there was one person in this county i could go have an intelligent conversation with.

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i am so ready to go home

Tue, 01 Jan 2008 14:05:56 -0800

i enjoy my parents company and all, but brevard is so depressing these days. the few people i've kept in contact, whom i thought were worthwhile and might someday get out of here, are proving me wrong. another one is pregnant, by a guy who won't stay with her. am i supposed to be happy for them? how do people expect me to react? if you're fucking 20 years old, and have no stability in your own life then you choose to bring another life into this world, thats supposed to be good news? i work everyday in a broken family, and i'm attempting to give my boss's son some damn stability. i bet if a few of these people saw what i deal with everyday, they might think more carefully about who they have kids with. i guess i'm just mad. at people who won't recognize their fucking potential, at people who are wasting their lives, at the fact that i give a damn and most of all at the fact that i can't go home yet. to my life; or at least where my life makes sense, where i'm not afraid to talk about how well i'm doing for fear of making others feel inferior. back to people who have goals, and to real relationships, not these pseudo friendships that are more familiarity than anything else. i wish there was one person in this county i could go have an intelligent conversation with.

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Untitled

Tue, 11 Dec 2007 03:38:23 -0800

I sit and sip this wine
Smoke this one last cigarette
For the ten thousandth time
Swear I?ll do better when given the chance
But nothing changes
Never has
No nothing changes
Never has

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holiday plans

Tue, 11 Dec 2007 02:49:53 -0800

i originally was only coming home from the 22nd to the 27th, but i've had a change of plans and decided to drive separately from my brother and stay until the 6th. so yea i'll have more time to pal around town and do whatever, which will be cool. so that's the new plan, hope to see everyone while i'm home. <3Court

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Untitled

Tue, 11 Dec 2007 00:38:23 -0800

I sit and sip this wine
Smoke this one last cigarette
For the ten thousandth time
Swear I?ll do better when given the chance
But nothing changes
Never has
No nothing changes
Never has

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holiday plans

Mon, 10 Dec 2007 23:49:53 -0800

i originally was only coming home from the 22nd to the 27th, but i've had a change of plans and decided to drive separately from my brother and stay until the 6th. so yea i'll have more time to pal around town and do whatever, which will be cool. so that's the new plan, hope to see everyone while i'm home. <3Court

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relationships are complicated

Mon, 03 Dec 2007 22:03:53 -0800

friendships, romantic, work related...whatever they're all the same
what i wouldn't give for something simple right now...
something easy, something thoughtless
but would that really be something at all?

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relationships are complicated

Mon, 03 Dec 2007 19:03:53 -0800

friendships, romantic, work related...whatever they're all the same
what i wouldn't give for something simple right now...
something easy, something thoughtless
but would that really be something at all?

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Untitled

Thu, 29 Nov 2007 01:03:02 -0800

went to my parents house for a few days to seek refuge and found none. i needed that break so badly, and it just didn't materialize. i brought a friend home with me from tallahassee and that may have been too much of this place there. i wanted so badly to stop and breathe, recharge, just something and it didn't happen. and i'm still drowning here. drowning because i'm too nice to tell people that they are pulling me down with them. too nice to cut ties that need to be severed. too damn considerate to look out for myself over others. and i hate it. does that make me selfish? i don't even know anymore...i should be happy, my life is going well and yet i'm still fighting so hard to stay above water. what about what i want? my dreams? why do i have to fail for others to succeed? when did the two become linked? where are my real friends? where can i find real people? where did i get all these one way friendships? how can i always be there to fight through their shit with them and they can't even let me be happy with the accomplishment i've created for myself? is it a crime to be driven all of the sudden? Is it wrong for me to be angry? i have all these questions that will remain unanswered as always...i'm sitting on my porch, alone, and i can't decide if it's peaceful or lonely; or even if those terms are synonymous. i'm beginning to think they are. i can't solve your problems. i can't save you. i can't even feel good about my own accomplishments, how the fuck can i help other people discern and attain their own? i can't. that's the harsh reality, and i'm tired of people looking at me as a way out, as the light in their dismal little existences. i can't be that for you. i can't be the reason you get out of bed in the morning or the only haven you have from the big bad world. i can't fight your battles or even tell you how you should go about it. i got to where i am doing it myself. learn on the fly. research things. meet people. take what's put in front of you. Fulfill your potential. die trying. FAIL. but most of all do it for yourself by yourself, it's the only way you'll ever make it in this life.

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Untitled

Wed, 28 Nov 2007 22:03:02 -0800

went to my parents house for a few days to seek refuge and found none. i needed that break so badly, and it just didn't materialize. i brought a friend home with me from tallahassee and that may have been too much of this place there. i wanted so badly to stop and breathe, recharge, just something and it didn't happen. and i'm still drowning here. drowning because i'm too nice to tell people that they are pulling me down with them. too nice to cut ties that need to be severed. too damn considerate to look out for myself over others. and i hate it. does that make me selfish? i don't even know anymore...i should be happy, my life is going well and yet i'm still fighting so hard to stay above water. what about what i want? my dreams? why do i have to fail for others to succeed? when did the two become linked? where are my real friends? where can i find real people? where did i get all these one way friendships? how can i always be there to fight through their shit with them and they can't even let me be happy with the accomplishment i've created for myself? is it a crime to be driven all of the sudden? Is it wrong for me to be angry? i have all these questions that will remain unanswered as always...i'm sitting on my porch, alone, and i can't decide if it's peaceful or lonely; or even if those terms are synonymous. i'm beginning to think they are. i can't solve your problems. i can't save you. i can't even feel good about my own accomplishments, how the fuck can i help other people discern and attain their own? i can't. that's the harsh reality, and i'm tired of people looking at me as a way out, as the light in their dismal little existences. i can't be that for you. i can't be the reason you get out of bed in the morning or the only haven you have from the big bad world. i can't fight your battles or even tell you how you should go about it. i got to where i am doing it myself. learn on the fly. research things. meet people. take what's put in front of you. Fulfill your potential. die trying. FAIL. but most of all do it for yourself by yourself, it's the only way you'll ever make it in this life.

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i'm so fucking angry

Thu, 13 Sep 2007 19:28:22 -0700

and i don't even know why. things are fine. good even. and yet i'm not happy, i'm not sad i'm not anything. i just am. i don't understand anything anymore. for someone who is supposedly insightful and introspective i have no answers for anyone.

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i'm so fucking angry

Thu, 13 Sep 2007 17:28:22 -0700

and i don't even know why. things are fine. good even. and yet i'm not happy, i'm not sad i'm not anything. i just am. i don't understand anything anymore. for someone who is supposedly insightful and introspective i have no answers for anyone.

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random update

Mon, 20 Aug 2007 21:12:37 -0700

so i'm into my new apartment, which is awesome...roommates are pretty awesome too. i made a mistake that is at the top of things you shouldn't do in the situation that i'm in. but i don't feel like it's a mistake...actually its almost like it could be a good thing. who knows. i kinda hope it will. but perhaps not, always gotta prepare for the negative since it usually pokes its ugly head more often than its antithesis...i like tallahassee. i work right off campus now. and on campus. and i'm a nanny...cuz i never want to sleep again. this is going to be a good year i can tell already.

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random update

Mon, 20 Aug 2007 19:12:37 -0700

so i'm into my new apartment, which is awesome...roommates are pretty awesome too. i made a mistake that is at the top of things you shouldn't do in the situation that i'm in. but i don't feel like it's a mistake...actually its almost like it could be a good thing. who knows. i kinda hope it will. but perhaps not, always gotta prepare for the negative since it usually pokes its ugly head more often than its antithesis...i like tallahassee. i work right off campus now. and on campus. and i'm a nanny...cuz i never want to sleep again. this is going to be a good year i can tell already.

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not much to say

Fri, 29 Jun 2007 16:17:20 -0700

life is a struggle...but it's awesome so i can't complain. things are falling into place with a certain electricity that's almost scary. i love this town, where has this been all my life?

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not much to say

Fri, 29 Jun 2007 14:17:20 -0700

life is a struggle...but it's awesome so i can't complain. things are falling into place with a certain electricity that's almost scary. i love this town, where has this been all my life?

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random updates

Sat, 09 Jun 2007 14:36:27 -0700

moved to tally on sunday of last week...and this was my week
uhaul to move cost me both of my arms, one of my legs and the rights to my first born child
my car got towed wendesday night to the tune of 88 dollars at which point i ran down stairs to watch my car being towed and proceeded to lock both natalie and myself out of our apartment.
the fire alarm has gone off for the past 4 nights around 1am...
Bought 9 dollars worth of wendy's in change from a beer stein cuz we are all broke.
still looking for a job, filled out 56 applications total now
failed at quitting smoking
died my hair back to dark brown which actually came out almost black and i look too much like a scene kid
and the best part about all of this is, i'm really fucking happy to be here and this week has been fantastic in it's own way.

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random updates

Sat, 09 Jun 2007 12:36:27 -0700

moved to tally on sunday of last week...and this was my week
uhaul to move cost me both of my arms, one of my legs and the rights to my first born child
my car got towed wendesday night to the tune of 88 dollars at which point i ran down stairs to watch my car being towed and proceeded to lock both natalie and myself out of our apartment.
the fire alarm has gone off for the past 4 nights around 1am...
Bought 9 dollars worth of wendy's in change from a beer stein cuz we are all broke.
still looking for a job, filled out 56 applications total now
failed at quitting smoking
died my hair back to dark brown which actually came out almost black and i look too much like a scene kid
and the best part about all of this is, i'm really fucking happy to be here and this week has been fantastic in it's own way.

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Untitled

Fri, 01 Jun 2007 21:15:41 -0700

I?ve faced myself
To cross out what I?ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what I?ve done

For what I?ve done
I?ll start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I?m forgiving what I?ve done

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Untitled

Fri, 01 Jun 2007 19:15:41 -0700

I?ve faced myself
To cross out what I?ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what I?ve done

For what I?ve done
I?ll start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I?m forgiving what I?ve done

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i should be packing

Wed, 30 May 2007 21:50:53 -0700

but i'm not. i have a ton of stuff to do, and yet i'm wasting time on the internet...what else is new...
i'll be in tally on sunday night to unload my stuff into my new place. and then i'll be in rockledge monday night for jury duty...
as it draws closer it only gets harder

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i should be packing

Wed, 30 May 2007 19:50:53 -0700

but i'm not. i have a ton of stuff to do, and yet i'm wasting time on the internet...what else is new...
i'll be in tally on sunday night to unload my stuff into my new place. and then i'll be in rockledge monday night for jury duty...
as it draws closer it only gets harder

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Untitled

Wed, 23 May 2007 00:23:31 -0700

why do the most imperfect people think they are flawless? i'm so tired of his mouth. after a super relaxing few days away from jacksonville, i am yet again here, and hating it. on a totally unrelated note who gets jury duty in the middle of the summer? wtf. anyway i'll be in brevard around june 5th so they can ultimately not pick me cuz i'm not at all what they want for a jury...but whatever, i'll be there. so we should hang out, whoever you are.

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Untitled

Tue, 22 May 2007 22:23:31 -0700

why do the most imperfect people think they are flawless? i'm so tired of his mouth. after a super relaxing few days away from jacksonville, i am yet again here, and hating it. on a totally unrelated note who gets jury duty in the middle of the summer? wtf. anyway i'll be in brevard around june 5th so they can ultimately not pick me cuz i'm not at all what they want for a jury...but whatever, i'll be there. so we should hang out, whoever you are.

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its funny

Tue, 22 May 2007 20:52:37 -0700

how people you don't think mean anything to you, actually do. and people you think mean the world to you, don't at all. i need to sleep...i feel like a zombie

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its funny

Tue, 22 May 2007 18:52:37 -0700

how people you don't think mean anything to you, actually do. and people you think mean the world to you, don't at all. i need to sleep...i feel like a zombie

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i'm a liar

Thu, 17 May 2007 23:38:19 -0700

i will not be visiting the brevard area this weekend, and probably not the orlando one either. but tallahassee residents i will more than likely be over your way bringing my first load of goodies to my new apartment so hit me up...i should be in town by like 9pm on saturday till monday :)

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good ole being sober

Thu, 17 May 2007 21:47:48 -0700

i wish my old roommate would actually pay the utilities he owes me so i wouldn't be so poor. had to stay sober on the off chance that he would actually call me after work to meet me and give me the money as previously discussed...which isn't happening, and now i'm pissed.
on another note...life in the apartment is suprisingly quiet. But i actually think i liked it better when we were screaming at each other constantly. at least there wasn't any akward silence and what needed to be said was said...my god you could cut the tension in this place with a knife. i'm gonna go pack some stuff...i suppose i should get started

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i'm a liar

Thu, 17 May 2007 21:38:19 -0700

i will not be visiting the brevard area this weekend, and probably not the orlando one either. but tallahassee residents i will more than likely be over your way bringing my first load of goodies to my new apartment so hit me up...i should be in town by like 9pm on saturday till monday :)

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good ole being sober

Thu, 17 May 2007 19:47:48 -0700

i wish my old roommate would actually pay the utilities he owes me so i wouldn't be so poor. had to stay sober on the off chance that he would actually call me after work to meet me and give me the money as previously discussed...which isn't happening, and now i'm pissed.
on another note...life in the apartment is suprisingly quiet. But i actually think i liked it better when we were screaming at each other constantly. at least there wasn't any akward silence and what needed to be said was said...my god you could cut the tension in this place with a knife. i'm gonna go pack some stuff...i suppose i should get started

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wow i can't wait to move

Wed, 16 May 2007 23:43:24 -0700

im drunk again. pathetic i know. i talked to an old friend for an hour os so easrlier, which was nice, and my neighbor is back so that's awesome. although we were drinking together, which is probably the worst possible thing i could be doing right now. it's only making things worse. i'm going to bed...if i can even sleep...h

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wow i can't wait to move

Wed, 16 May 2007 21:43:24 -0700

im drunk again. pathetic i know. i talked to an old friend for an hour os so easrlier, which was nice, and my neighbor is back so that's awesome. although we were drinking together, which is probably the worst possible thing i could be doing right now. it's only making things worse. i'm going to bed...if i can even sleep...h

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back from the airport...

Wed, 16 May 2007 02:04:26 -0700

i hate myself sometimes...and i'm thoroughly confused...my throat is hoarse from yelling...i don't think i've ever said anything remotely close to as hurtful in my entire life as i have today. but i'm not sorry. i can't be. he fucking deserves it, and while i won't say it was revenge, he just needed to hear what i had to say. for once. in over a year i spoke my mind one time, and to be honest, i'm not sure we'll ever be ale to speak again. i'm okay with that. in fact, i'd prefer that.
i want to scream. why am i so fucking angry?
i have the day off tomorrow...that fucking sucks

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back from the airport...

Wed, 16 May 2007 00:04:26 -0700

i hate myself sometimes...and i'm thoroughly confused...my throat is hoarse from yelling...i don't think i've ever said anything remotely close to as hurtful in my entire life as i have today. but i'm not sorry. i can't be. he fucking deserves it, and while i won't say it was revenge, he just needed to hear what i had to say. for once. in over a year i spoke my mind one time, and to be honest, i'm not sure we'll ever be ale to speak again. i'm okay with that. in fact, i'd prefer that.
i want to scream. why am i so fucking angry?
i have the day off tomorrow...that fucking sucks

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wow

Tue, 15 May 2007 21:20:50 -0700

today sucked...worse than yesterday, imagine that. two more weeks :(

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wow

Tue, 15 May 2007 19:20:50 -0700

today sucked...worse than yesterday, imagine that. two more weeks :(

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this is me biting the bullet

Tue, 15 May 2007 00:25:22 -0700

i'm moving to tally june 1st. i'm can't deal with the emotional whirlwind known as jacob griggs...i'm going to do what i've needed to do for the past 6 months. get the fuck out of jacksonville. its a bittersweet feeling really. i have no discernable home left...anywhere. and im leaving the only place i've known as home for the past year...for the comfort of the unknown. a little scary. but hey, it couldn't possibly be worse than here. it is impossible to be friends with him. i don't even want to. i've never wanted to, but he lives here and i've been playing nice. well quite frankly, i'm done playing nice for the sake of his sanity. he's a big boy, and it's not my problem. none of this is my problem. people have been telling me that for so long, but you know what, i can't save everyone. or anyone for that matter, at least not someone who doesn't want help. i could have saved myself a hell of a lot of trouble, heartache, and pain had i realized this like a year ago. but whatever, better late than never. i'm moving on. really. new town, new college, new friends, new me, new life. and for once, not the same old mistakes. my life will be so different in 15 days. and i love it.

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this is me biting the bullet

Mon, 14 May 2007 22:25:22 -0700

i'm moving to tally june 1st. i'm can't deal with the emotional whirlwind known as jacob griggs...i'm going to do what i've needed to do for the past 6 months. get the fuck out of jacksonville. its a bittersweet feeling really. i have no discernable home left...anywhere. and im leaving the only place i've known as home for the past year...for the comfort of the unknown. a little scary. but hey, it couldn't possibly be worse than here. it is impossible to be friends with him. i don't even want to. i've never wanted to, but he lives here and i've been playing nice. well quite frankly, i'm done playing nice for the sake of his sanity. he's a big boy, and it's not my problem. none of this is my problem. people have been telling me that for so long, but you know what, i can't save everyone. or anyone for that matter, at least not someone who doesn't want help. i could have saved myself a hell of a lot of trouble, heartache, and pain had i realized this like a year ago. but whatever, better late than never. i'm moving on. really. new town, new college, new friends, new me, new life. and for once, not the same old mistakes. my life will be so different in 15 days. and i love it.

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someone

Fri, 11 May 2007 17:19:31 -0700

come visit me :( i can only be drunk sometimes...having friends would be nice

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someone

Fri, 11 May 2007 15:19:31 -0700

come visit me :( i can only be drunk sometimes...having friends would be nice

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alcoholism

Wed, 09 May 2007 18:11:59 -0700

is such a beautiful thing

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alcoholism

Wed, 09 May 2007 16:11:59 -0700

is such a beautiful thing

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i can't do this

Sun, 06 May 2007 22:04:12 -0700

i can't sit in my house night after night by myself. all of my college friends have returned to their respective home towns, leaving my in an equivalent of a ghost town. i'm broke. not like oh gee i can't go shopping this week, but broke like wow i haven't eaten in two days. i can't deal with jake running off to his million other girls only to return home and joke around with me as though we're buddies. it's just not okay. i don't care if he doesn't care, and if he's over it. and i know i broke up with him, but i'm not over it. i'm not okay. it's only been a few weeks, and he still lives here. i can't see him everyday. i can't deal with him sleeping in my bed. we can't have "just sex". i've been sleeping on the couch for the past 3 nights because i can't deal with him. i've been run out of my own bedroom. my only space of my own, my only safe haven. i have no friends that don't have their own insane schedules and/or families to deal with. my mother can't even be bothered to answer her phone with her new house and her new childless life. my brother is always on the run and doesn't have five minutes to listen to me. as i smoke another cigarette alone in my pitch black, silent apartment i realize what true lonliness is. i can't find a single person to call when scrolling through my hundred or so "friends" in my cell phone. i am truly alone. i can't do this...

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i can't do this

Sun, 06 May 2007 20:04:12 -0700

i can't sit in my house night after night by myself. all of my college friends have returned to their respective home towns, leaving my in an equivalent of a ghost town. i'm broke. not like oh gee i can't go shopping this week, but broke like wow i haven't eaten in two days. i can't deal with jake running off to his million other girls only to return home and joke around with me as though we're buddies. it's just not okay. i don't care if he doesn't care, and if he's over it. and i know i broke up with him, but i'm not over it. i'm not okay. it's only been a few weeks, and he still lives here. i can't see him everyday. i can't deal with him sleeping in my bed. we can't have "just sex". i've been sleeping on the couch for the past 3 nights because i can't deal with him. i've been run out of my own bedroom. my only space of my own, my only safe haven. i have no friends that don't have their own insane schedules and/or families to deal with. my mother can't even be bothered to answer her phone with her new house and her new childless life. my brother is always on the run and doesn't have five minutes to listen to me. as i smoke another cigarette alone in my pitch black, silent apartment i realize what true lonliness is. i can't find a single person to call when scrolling through my hundred or so "friends" in my cell phone. i am truly alone. i can't do this...

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so i dumped jake

Fri, 27 Apr 2007 15:11:00 -0700

like a week ago...and we still live together. dear god someone save me.

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so i dumped jake

Fri, 27 Apr 2007 13:11:00 -0700

like a week ago...and we still live together. dear god someone save me.

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life...

Wed, 18 Apr 2007 19:35:16 -0700

is pretty lame these days, and pretty awful, and pretty good all at once. some things are looking up while others are plunging into the depths of hell. i wish life was easy. i wish i had answers. i wish someone would go see meet the robinson's with me. going home this weekend will be nice. i hope.

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life...

Wed, 18 Apr 2007 17:35:16 -0700

is pretty lame these days, and pretty awful, and pretty good all at once. some things are looking up while others are plunging into the depths of hell. i wish life was easy. i wish i had answers. i wish someone would go see meet the robinson's with me. going home this weekend will be nice. i hope.

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i got a job

Sat, 03 Mar 2007 23:51:41 -0800

yay i'm officially employed again. i'm working at a little shoe/accessories boutique. probably the worst place ever since half my paychecks will go back into the store :( oh well it'll be fun. jake comes back thursday, that's exciting.

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i got a job

Sat, 03 Mar 2007 20:51:41 -0800

yay i'm officially employed again. i'm working at a little shoe/accessories boutique. probably the worst place ever since half my paychecks will go back into the store :( oh well it'll be fun. jake comes back thursday, that's exciting.

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